My Mental Health Journey

To whoever is reading this,

I’m going to do something I’ve struggled and have never managed to do fully before and that is come clean, be honest and tell the truth. I’ve struggled for years with my mental health, on so many different levels, it would take forever and a day to tell you about the battles I face day in and day out. 

As I type this post, I can feel my chest restricting in my rib cage and my eyes watering with tears yet to be shed. How people view, my self confidence, my anxiety when around others, body image, my deepest darkest thoughts, my mindset, if I told you how much I struggle with each one, you would question what made me the way I am, I wouldn’t be able to pinpoint a cause however.

How people view, what people think, what they say, the thoughts circle my mind everyday like lion to prey. I can’t escape it, before I walk out the door to face the world, I question how I may look in another persons eyes, never taking the time to appreciate my beauty. I seek approval from people who’s opinions shouldn’t matter, I crave compliments to assure me the mirror image I see is not all that accurate.  I don’t need it, I am enough for me. So I keep telling myself, but do I really believe it? No, but I tell myself the same thing anyway.
I look at myself in pictures. I look at my friends, people who aren’t me and wonder why I’m not them. Why can’t I look more like them, less like me, will I ever be loved? how can I be loved? Instead of reminding myself of my worth and building myself up, I tear myself down, damaging a foundation that barely ever existed. What is there to love? I feel disgust when I see me, I can’t forgive myself for letting myself get to this stage. I can be pretty don’t get me wrong but never naturally. 

I hate my nose, I hate my gap tooth, I hate my body, I wish I could change it all.
I stumble over my words, I say the wrong thing, I stutter, I sweat, I can’t focus, I feel the walls closing in when I feel anxious. Being around people I don’t know freaks me out, approaching people for the first time is my worst nightmare. If it were just you and I meeting for the first time, you would leave thinking I was socially awkward and you’d be right to think so because I struggle to talk when I don’t know you.

I hear this voice that tells me nobody loves me, I will never amount to anything, I’m better off dead and although I listened to those voices and it gave me scars I still carry on my arms, I’m managing to block it out. But I’m not strong enough to win the battle, I break down, choking on my own tears from time to time. I have people to call but I wouldn’t want to be a burden, they don’t need to know, there’s nothing a good cry won’t fix right? 

All these battles with my mental health have made me into the person I am, I want to help others because I know what it feels like but I can’t help myself, I don’t want help because then that means I’m not okay, I just want to be happy all the time. Speaking out is hard for me, I’m constantly exhausted, I’m always tired and rundown and people wonder why. My mind doesn’t shut up. 

I can easily tell you things will get better but I’ve been waiting for that day to come for years and that light at the end of the tunnel? It’s going.
 It’s hard to believe the kind words of loved ones, sweet words wrapped in comfort and love that caress my tear stained face but doesn’t reach my brain, you love me so of course you’re going to be nice I tell myself each time.
It’s hard.

You may read all of this and not agree, ‘I know Yossy this isn’t her’ but I’ve been good at keeping these thoughts to myself. Who I show myself as to the world and who I really am or two different people. I know there are others like me out there struggling with thoughts like mine and through all of this I’ve come to realise that struggling is a universal language. 
I’m still learning how to create peace around me, how to look after myself and I’m getting better but the journey is exhausting but I’m improving. My scars are healing, my eyes are drying and my mind is clearing up, there’s hope.

I use to keep a diary where all I did was fill it with negative thoughts but now instead I fill it with things that make me happy, list upon list of memories that warm my heart and put a smile on my face. It helps. So whenever I crash and start to relapse, I pull it out, remind myself that I'm loved, I am blessed and that there is nothing to be sad about.

If anyone reading this at any point says me too, I pray that soon all of this goes away and you can look back and smile knowing how far you’ve made it. That day will come I know it but it may not be tomorrow or next week, but it is coming. That God heals and ends your pain, that you see how beautiful you are inside and out. 

Despite this, things are getting  better,  I'm smiling more, I'm freezing less, I'm managing to open up  more, I'm learning to like what I see in the mirror. I can't stress enough there is hope, trust the process. I have been struggling with all of this since year nine I would say and I'm finally seeing improvements. I'm happier, I'm living a better life, I'm going for things I wouldn't have even thought possible for myself before.

I want to leave you with two quotes that have helped me and that I remind myself of:

"Begin your day with love (not technology). Remind yourself of your worthiness before getting out of bed. Breathe in love and breathe out love. Enfold yourself in light, saturate your being in love.

"Be soft. Do not let the world make your hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place".

If you ever feel like giving up don't, it's okay to seek and get help. Just don't give up because better days do exist, they may be few and far and the wait may be hard but it is so worth it. God has an amazing plan for you and I and I can't wait to see what he has in store for us because I know it is going to be amazing. One piece of advice I would love to gift you with, is to pray. You don't have to be the most religious person out there but opening up to God and just getting every worry and stress off my chest, never fails to make me feel better, hopefully it may help you too.

I wish you all the best on your journey,
until the next post,
with love yossy x

What's your opinion?

  1. It's always such a shame to see people struggling with their mental health but it warms my heart to hear that you're happier and better. You may not believe it but you are truly such an incredible person, inside and out. I only know you off social media but I can tell that you have the best personality there is. Your are so kind and loving and I know you'll go far.
    Love , Kate Xxxx


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