Adult Friendships.

I'm growing.

Another year latched onto my belt, 21. Adulthood, oh how politely you made me aware of your presence. I hope the sarcasm there didn't go unnoticed. When my birthday rolls around every year, I like to look back and make decisions to push myself forward. I want to have achieved more from life each year. So here's something I'm going to carry into being 21 with me and my following years to come:

You don't have as many friends as you think you do.

 When I was younger, I always had a lot of friends, if you saw me on campus today you would say I still do. I'm a friendly person what can I say? If you don't believe me, for my 10th birthday I invited not 10, not 20 but 40 of my classmates and family friends to celebrate with me with party bags  with my face on them, all the way from Nigeria. I truly did the most for that birthday. Sweet 16? Try sweet 10, doesn't have the same ring but it is just as cool. 

But what I've come to realise and understand is that not everyone you call your friend, is your friend. You may not understand it now but there will come a point in your life where you do. With a new year has come new wisdom. My definition of a friend has changed. If you asked me if all the people at my 10th birthday were my friends years ago I would say yes but if you ask me today how many people were my friend? Maybe 7.

You see what is required from a friendship matures with age. At the age of 10 all it took to be considered my friend was to like That's so Raven and if you liked lunchables then you were automatically promoted to best friend. If you knew all the HSM lyrics off by heart like me? You were practically considered family and I would give my left lung just to save your life because who needs two lungs right? But at the age of 21 it takes a lot more than that and it's finally clicked in my head that how I decide to deem some of my relationships as 'friendships' needs some work. 

what I am over:

This post is coming from a place of deeply sown anger, a lot frustration and tears because I know I'm not a bad friend, I'm a thoughtful person and I know I can be sweet. I can be a bit consumed with life at times and I can be forgetful, so sometimes I can be terrible at checking in and being consistent but I'm able to notice when I'm not being a good friend. You'd be surprised by how some people, can't realise when they are clearly failing at being a friend. Sometimes we don't realise and that's fine but what angers me is when people realise they aren't being a good friend because the guilt is eating them up, yet they ignore it and continue to be  bad friend because it suits them and what they currently want.

I'm over friendships that are give, give, give and then when it's time for me to take there is nothing to collect. Friendships can be draining. Especially at university where life seems to be fueled by drama, I don't like being involved and I never am, on my own account. I'm dragged into other peoples situations, I am dragged into other peoples problems and I am put in positions way too often. Don't get me wrong, I love that people confide in me, I love that my friends trust me but I hate when it comes to me and when I'm going through my phases of mental health dips, the interest and care is temporary before things go back to being about them, them, them. A quick "sorry you're going through that, oh by the way let me tell you what happened with so and so". 

"ignoring the red flags because you want to see the good in people will cost you later"

Sometimes I feel like maybe it's me that is the issue and I'm the problem because my patience can wear thin. But its not. My friendships in secondary school were never like this, they never drained me. Or maybe it is me and this is the reality of adult friendships? Things in our lives become more complicated. Things change.

I am so quick to message people out of worry, I am so quick to think of ways to make my friends birthday special and I'm even quicker to support their ventures and businesses because that is the right thing to do if you consider someone your friend. But some people aren't willing to do even what you consider the bare minimum of them, for you. I don't feel like I ask for much, when I go through problems I deal with them myself, I don't even like calling Sade. I don't cause issues or problems for my friends but it feels like when I finally do ask for something, it's like I've asked for them to give me the moon.

I guess what I'm trying to say in all of this is stop ignoring signs, stop ignoring what your family and actual friends say when they warn you about people you call your "friends" because you'll see the real side of people sooner or later and they'll show you just how much they care for your friendship and you as a person. You'll see that you don't hold as much value as you thought you did in their life. Like many people before me have once said: don't overestimate your position in someone elses life. 

For a long time I've done quantity over quality when it comes to friendship over the fear of feeling alone and I blame university for that and my fear of not having friends when I joined. Now that I'm in my last year and I'll be moving home I already know there are friendships that have been kept due to convenience and not because of what is there. 

Sit there and ask yourself, if I started seeing this person less and less, stopped talking to them as much and eventually stopped communicating with them all as a whole, will I be heartbroken? Or will life continue? There are people that add to your life, that are there for you and truly value you and it's time we start focusing our energy on giving them a friendship they deserve rather than spreading our energy far and wide for people who do not deserve it. I have people that I call my friend but I think, if it was just the two of us in a room together what the heck would we talk about? What do we actually have in common? Do I even know their surname? It doesn't make sense does it?

Just because we have shared a few good encounters together, doesn't automatically mean we are best friends. There's more to being a friend than first meets the eye. Effort, is there any being put in? Do they show they care? Are they kind of person you should be surrounding yourself with? Do they push you to be a better person or do they bring out the worst in you?

I'm sorry if this seems like such an angry post but things haven't been sitting well with me in my heart recently and I'm hurt, plus the frustration has been beating down on me. I've talked to my sister about it and I've talked to close friends about it and you know when you're relaying things to someone and you hear yourself speaking about what you've experienced and it all suddenly clicks? That's what happened to me.

Hope you all were able to take something from this post, whether it was big or little. 

until the next post,
with love yossy.

What's your opinion?

  1. I can totally understand you Yossy. As any other relationships, friendships are definitely not that easy. I think that the term "friend" is nowadays used without the real meaning behind it. I personally never really had a big group of friends but I new that the ones I am really friends with are someone I can count on. Even with that, I had situations where I realized that what I thought was a real friendship in fact was not. I think that we all change and just because you were friends with someone when you were younger it doesn't mean that you are meant to be friends when you grow up. Sorry for the ramble but as well as you I feel quite passionate about this topic. x

    Antonia || Sweet Passions

  2. I totally agree that there are people who add to your life and well to be honest, people who don't. Its best to keep hold of the ones who do and value you just as much as you value them. Even since I was little I've struggled with friendships and have always been the odd one out so its been hard for me. Now I'm at uni, I do have a group of friends but I'm very distant with them. I worry they don't like me or won't want me around, I don't know its weird I guess. But I get what you're saying in this post!

    Lucy |

  3. I really agree with you there! I wish I had such a blissful childhood, when I was young I was aware that most of my friends weren't good friends. I don't if it was to do with with my INFP personality or the fact I was a bit troubled, but I am happy that I don't have a lot of friends but I am happy that I have supportive and kind friends!

  4. This post was exactly what I needed to read, you have reaffirmed some of my own thoughts and feelings toward friendships. I have a lot of people in my life (who I thought were friends but as you said, you don't have as many friends as you think, some people are just good associates but not people to seek friendship from, which is a much deeper relationship) but only a select few who I would actually call a friend, one of them being you. I'm taking a lot from this post, the main thing being, be careful who you call your friend and who you invite to your inner circle. If someone doesn't add to your life, isn't supportive, caring or serves a purpose, keep them as an associate or acquaintance

    Fran |

  5. I love this post! I was thinking something so similar the other day about whether there was a need to text my friend who I hadn't spoken to in a while or whether it was a good thing the friendship has faded. I'm finding it hard to abandon the mentality of quantity over quality, but recently at university I have become a lot closer to people and have begun to realise what I value in a friendship so it is all getting a bit easier but I definitely need to remember your wise question of whether I would be heartbroken if we never spoke again. x


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