This Is: 22

First and foremost, adulthood is the ghetto and I have been set up, bamboozled and led astray. Secondly, on a more serious note never did I think I would be spending my 22nd birthday in self isolation watching the world go ever so slightly mad. After my twenty first not going as exactly planned, I said I don't want to involve anyone for my twenty second and I got my wish alright.

Navigating life and making it to twenty two has been a lot since I last checked in on here for my last birthday post. I'm a graduate, I have a job now where I get paid and I'm achieving things but at the same time I've never felt more vulnerable in my friendships, unstable in all aspects of my life and rundown. 21 was exhausting, it's taken a lot from me and I'm still recovering and learning how to deal with some of the pain it's left me with.

Life after university:
People told me life after university is hard, I've seen it with my own two eyes watching Sade and Toyosi go through their ups and downs. Some little part of me prayed that maybe things will work out for me and I won't have to go through that. One can dream right? It took nearly 4 months after graduating to find a job and it was worth the wait.

I couldn't be happier where I am and working with the people I do. They're the most unserious but hardworking people I've ever met and they make me feel so welcomed. My social anxiety kicks in when I'm in unfamiliar spaces with no one I know.  I mean for the first two months I was too scared to use the fridge because what if I put my container in someone's space? I was worried for nothing, I'm happy and I'm actually doing really well at my job.

But within that I've been getting really bad migraines, to the point where I vomit and literally can't do anything but focus on the pain. My body feels heavy, I sweat like crazy and struggle to move and see properly. Looking after yourself and learning when to stop is a big thing life has taught me over the last year. Your health is all you have and once it is gone what can you do? Weekend in and out I was booking my weekends up with shoots to bring in more money to add to my salary. A lie in? What's that? Weekends of staying up late editing, catching up on things, I left no time for myself to rest and sometimes I still don't. Finding a balance for all my work, hobbies and resting is hard. I like to push my body till it ends up paying for it and that's no way to live.

Again something I was prepared for after university but I was not aware of how hard it is finding time to catch up with friends. I think having the added side hustles doesn't make things any easier as shoots tend to take up a lot of my weekends. Adulthood is scheduling in facetimes because "someone else has booked to facetime me at 7pm already" I laugh at it now but going from being with people everyday to catching up every other week or month feels weird. I'm grateful that a lot of my friendships are low maintenance and we can pick up where we left off like nothing happened.

One other thing I noticed though is that a lot of relationships I considered friendships at university were friendships held together purely out of convenience. When you are in the moment its hard to see some of your friendships for what they are. A lack of one on one bonding, reciprocal energy and effort is missing from a lot of them and I've finally stepped back and stop doing the most all the time. Not only with university friendships but blog friends too, I've had odd occasions where I'm getting off energies and feelings and instead of being so fast to do more to make sure things are okay I'm learning to leave things.

My friends and Sade have told me off numerous times for doing too much for people and after continuously complaining about how I've been let down again and again, I'm over it. I remember my mum telling me when I was younger that sometimes it's better to have one friend that you can rely on than having a bunch that aren't. I never use to understand why my mum was so weary and cautious of people and their intentions. From a very young age I was known as the fat cheeked, happy spirited girl that was friends with everyone and that's finally changing. I'm finding myself closing off and withdrawing.  I feel like it's much easier to notice red flags in romantic and family relationship but sometimes we are slower with friends? It may be the other way around for you guys, I don't know. Personally, friendships and the love you feel for your friends are so deeply rooted and built on so many memories, that the thought of them disappearing forever feels...gut wrenching.

Also as someone who has never fallen out with a friend, I think there's this need inside of me to do what I can to cling onto the last few strands before they completely undo themselves. I don't know how to let go of people that aren't good for me. I'm no stranger to being left out of plans but when it's constantly, it becomes hard to ignore and starts to hurt a lot more.  I start to question if whether I'm the problem. Would me being there ruin the evening? Am I not valued enough in this friendship group?

I guess 21 has been filled with a lot of insecurities that 22 is still yet to understand.  I've proved a lot to myself, that I'm capable of doing things I only dreamed of, that I can take a lot more than I thought I could but I just don't feel like I'm allowed to celebrate everything I am becoming because I still have so much to do. I'm dedicating 22 to trying to take each day as they come and resting more. The constant need to achieve something has been exhausting. I'm dedicating 22 to learning how to communicate with people better, whether it being more on top of my messages or explaining why I feel the way I do in a situation. I tend to get overwhelmed then disappear for awhile which helps no one.

This time next year when I check back in next I hope that things are better which I'm really praying on with coronavirus having us all of lockdown. Here's to spending your birthday working from home with a bottle of cider to celebrate.

until the next post.
with love, yossy.

What's your opinion?

  1. "Adulthood is the ghetto" Hahahaha, so true, I didn't sign up for all of this!
    Chloe X

  2. I am so glad to that you made it to 22 and I am honestly so proud of you and everything you've achieved like honestly! You've gone so far maybe your family is right to take it a little easier on yourself, because getting migraines that are so painful that you want to vomit is awful! Maybe every week or every 2 weeks schedule or pencil off day in your calendar that way you won't forget to rest!! Also I don't know if you consider me a friend but at least know that I will always support you and have your back

  3. I am glad that you have made it to 22 alive and well. Everything that you have achieved over your short time on this earth, may you triple that in the next few years. You're someone with big things coming your way and even now, you're doing big things, truly love to see it, especially from a black woman who is my age-mate!

    Please, allow yourself a day or week every now and again to completely switch off, once Rona has blown away, GET ON A FLIGHT. Maybe, take a trip where you document it but you don't post until you're back from the trip? So there's no pressures? Idk

    I hope you and your family are keeping well!

    Francisca |

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